I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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