i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
