just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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