i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
