remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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