she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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