i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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