He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
