a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
