Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You're like the curious george of whores
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
