As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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