Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
