i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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