In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
