Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
