i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
