Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
