why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
