Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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