Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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