And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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