i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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