I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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