We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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