they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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