Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
