Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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