sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
