I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
