Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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