she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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