I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
