I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My hand turned me down
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
