im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
