Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize