I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
