I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
