Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
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