I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i want to swaddle you in tequila
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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