yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
