Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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