I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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