My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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