I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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