Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Fuck appropriateness.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
