btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
