So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
