The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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