I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
