My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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