Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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