After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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