that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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