I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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