My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
