I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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