You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Dick very happy bro
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
